The way that I see any upset is that it is a reaction triggered by something incomplete from our “way” past that is often repeated. I am certainly not the originator of this idea and I am more just sorting it out for myself. So, what does knowing this tell us? In reality, just knowing, not much. We need to see something that calls for an action or a set of actions. We need to distinguish upset in a particular way.

You may have a way that you do it that works. Here is how I do it. I don’t even say this is “true.” Try it on and see what happens. There are three (3) basic causes for an upset and it may be a combination of a couple of them. Here are the three:

1. Unfulfilled Expectation

2. Undelivered Communication

3. Thwarted Intention

UNFULFILLED EXPECTATION

You all know this one well.

“He was going to ask me to the Prom and he didn’t.”

“I know I am going to get a raise and I didn’t.” “

“I was sure to make the sale and he said, ‘no’.”

“I’m going to have fun at the party.”

Notice how easy it is to have it be someone else’s fault. Continuing to blame someone will prolong your upset for an extended period of time. You have no way of making them do what you want them to do.

UNDELIVERED COMMUNICATION

This is the one that keeps people upset for years sometimes. I don’t mean a person stays upset all the time, just when they are reminded of the incident which separates you from another person.The gap increases more and more with no resolution. It is what we do to ourselves and others that we once valued. We don’t “say it how it is” for us then we suffer. We don’t say how we feel about something and then we make them the one who’s wrong for what happened. We end up living with an upset.

THWARTED INTENTION

“Can’t catch a break?”

“I am so unlucky.”

“I did the best I knew how.”

“If … I hadn’t done … I would have won the event,” and on and on it goes. You want to notice that it is always about what someone else did or didn’t do. Where has responsibility for our lives working gone?

So, I know you can see it. Now that you do what can you do about it? First, you want to identify where you failed to perform. What didn’t you take responsibility for … where you took something for granted or assumed something or failed to ask for something you might need? Maybe, it was as simple as slowing up before you crossed the finish line. It might be as simple as doing the assignment, putting it in an envelope and forgetting to mail it. We leave too many loose ends and fail to complete what we started. You know, getting to the finish line not through it.

When all is said and done, we need to take responsibility for the outcome, see what there is to learn and then, let it go. If you made a mistake it won’t be the last. Losing a relationship is never worth refusal to take responsibility for being in the game.

Want to learn more? Pick up one of Coach Rolland Todd’s books in our bookstore, or visit lulu.com. Sometimes we just need a reminder to see an action to take.