What’s the latest horror story?  ” Parent kills youth hockey coach” or “Revered high school football coach shot to death”?

Every year well over 10 million young people from 6-16 years old participate in organized athletics.  Participating right along with them are equal numbers of parents and coaches.  I have them as a single group because so many coaches are parent as well.

We have the largest group of athletes and the poorest coaching.  Not because they are not well-intended but because they don’t have the training.  In addition,  we have a large group of parents who do not know how to be parents to their “unknown athletes”.

Hold on!  Before you get out the tar and feathers, I am not questioning how you parent your children.  Being a parent of a performer of any kind;  singer, dancer, athlete, etc., is not something you have been trained to do.  And, I think it is one of the most difficult  things there is to do.

When it comes to their children, parents are fundamentally insane.  I don’t mean this in a demeaning way.  Parents are so involved,, so engaged, so fearful and so love their children that they are more concerned about wanting them to be happy and successful than the children are.  They struggle with being objective and for the most part they are dieing throughout  any performance.

Please don’t tell me how cool you are about it.  Oh, we love it and it’s fun, AFTER it’s over and it turned out well for the child.  I have been observing parents for will over 40 years and I trust what I see.  I am also the parent of four.

So what do we do with the problems?  Let’s identify a few:

-Parents and coaches who think it is about them
-Untrained coaches
-Ineffective or no communication between parents and coaches
-Child can’t serve two masters, i.e., parents and coach
-Unclear role definition for parents

These are a few and for the purpose of this little piece will give you something to think about.

Untrained Coaches.  The least of your worries as a coach at the “unknown athlete” level is your mastery of the fundamentals of the game.  You can find a great book, follow it to the letter and do a very sound job of preparing your team.  Of course, you want to bring all the expertise you can to your team.  It is just not the most important aspect.  Whenever it is possible I strongly suggest that you DO NOT COACH YOUR CHILD.

Ineffective Communication. (Parent-coach, Parent-athlete, Coach-athlete)  Let’s look at parent-coach.  The parent needs to know what the coach’s commitment is to the athlete.  What are the basic team rules?  How can the parent support the coach’s efforts?

The parent has a couple of very important roles.  Supporting the athlete in being responsible for every part of the experience.  The athlete needs to know the rules, the schedule and anything else that requires their attention.  It is not the parent’s job to make sure the athlete shows up with shoes, glove, uniform, etc.  Yes you will support that but it is their job.  Second, the parent supports  the coach’s rules and intentions.  If you disagree do it with the coach, not with your athlete.

The coach-athlete relationship is actually very simple.  Coach know what the athlete wants to achieve and the athlete knows what the coach wants to achieve and they have an agreement to support each other.   If  they get off track somewhere refer back to the agreement.

Children Can’t Serve Two Masters.  Do not coach your child.  If  the coach is telling the athlete one thing and the parent is saying something different it makes it impossible for the athlete.  The athlete wants to please both.  The parent is the biggest person in the child’s life.  The coach is second.  I didn’t say don’t work with your child.  Just work on it the way the coach is working on it.  If there is something you want to add ask the coach first.

Unclear Role Definition.  I rarely tell anyone what to do.  Here I am making an exception.  Your job is to create an alliance with the coach and vice versa.  The purpose is to make sure that the child has the best experience possible.  (Bottom line-Are they having fun?)  With your child support, support, support!  Love, love love!  Be the parent.  Don’t criticize them or their teammates. It is just a game.  THEIR game.

Parents and Coaches Think It Is About Them.   Playing sport is about the child’s experience period.  It can be a marvelous experience or it can be a nightmare.  It is not about your life.  You had your chance.  You are there to make sure they had fun, that they loved  it!  How far they go is up to them.  They will go as far as the skill, talent and ability will take them.  These and their love of the sport.

As they grow they will become more and more competitive.  The problem with that is the adults think competition and winning are the same thing.

There is much more I can say.  Check out my book œHey Mom, Wheres My Glove? at YouPublish.com.